I was not shy about detailing the fact that I had a horrific pregnancy and did not enjoy a second of it, but in the month since my daughter was born I can safely say things have improved a lot. Whilst I still remember the pain of what I suffered, I have discovered a whole new world of motherhood and I can safely say that so far, it has been a breeze in comparison. This is what I learnt in the 30 days since Dea came into my life!
- C-sections are brutal. Some people say that they are the “easy option” when compared to labour, but in my experience there is nothing easy about them. Being awake whilst you feel and hear someone rummage around in your insides is not a feeling I want to repeat any time soon.
- There is a lot of blood. Without being too graphic, no one warned me that you will bleed heavily for weeks afterwards. There is no need for too much detail on this point, but just be aware it happens. A lot.
- I had read a lot of romantic accounts of the first moment women saw their child, mine was not particularly romantic. As I came round from sedation to a group of medical professionals with their hands inside me, I heard this crying sound. I looked to my right and there was this small, loud, wriggly little creature screaming her lungs out. I tried to reach out for her but found my wrists were tied to the bed, and the first words out of my mouth? “Is that mine?”
- Again, you sort of expect to feel this overwhelming sense of love when your child is placed in your arms for the first time. Of course you feel love, but the main sense of being overwhelmed came from thinking “oh my god, life has changed forever, I am responsible for keeping you alive, I must not drop you”. That and a combination of strong drugs and intense pain means it ends up being quite a confusing and blurry moment
- Breastfeeding is not fun. I tried to breastfeed, I really did. I had help from doctors, nurses, family members, and lactation specialists. I went on a special diet, took supplements, pumped, and tried to feed for hours on end. It just didn’t work. I was not producing enough milk and despite best efforts, the pain was excruciating. Then one morning I was trying to feed, and then pump and nothing came out. My milk dried up despite me doing everything by the book and seeking medical help. I spent some days crying and feeling useless, pressured, and frantic until one morning I got up, walked to the shop, bought some formula, said “fuck it” to what anyone else had to say, and fed my daughter. She is thriving, I am happy and all is well.
- Everyone will have an opinion. The technician in the Apple shop, random men in coffee shops, old ladies on the street, family, strangers on the internet- everyone will have a (normally negative) opinion of what you are doing. Questions about my method of carrying my daughter (ring sling) and concerns she is too hot/too cold/not fed properly/not being held properly/shouldn’t be outside etc have been rife and it takes every ounce of self control not to snap. Ignore them, keep doing what you are doing.
- Ignore people’s comments on how you feed your baby. I have been asked why I am not breastfeeding by countless strangers as well as people I know. Just remember that it is not their business and as long as your child is happy and fed, that is all that matters. You are well within your rights to decline to answer or to change the subject- why you are not breastfeeding is no ones business but your own.
- Nipple cream is great for everything. Lip balm, chafing, dry skin- there is very little that nipple cream isn’t good for so slather it on and enjoy!
- Coconut oil is great for everything. I use raw, organic coconut oil for a variety of reasons with Dea. It makes a great nappy rash cream due to its antibacterial, soothing, and moisturising properties and it is also great as a lotion for baby after a bath or shower. Of course you should use it on yourself as well- on your nipples, stretch marks, dry skin, and hair- you can even use it as a makeup remover, if you have time to apply makeup of course.
- The ring sling saved my life. I decided not to use a pram very early on in my pregnancy, instead opting for a ring sling. Yes I get lots of strange looks in the street and people ask me if it is safe for baby, but the answer is yes! In fact both my OBGYN and my pediatrician commended me using it because it is good for both mother and baby. I can be up and out of the house in a matter of minutes and it makes shopping, carrying things, going for coffee, walking, and just generally doing anything, super easy. Best of all, baby loves it and enjoys looking around before dozing off and sleeping until I take her out of it. There is no time limit on how long you can keep the baby in it- as long as they and you are happy, then you are good to go.
- There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing in the days and weeks after a c-section. True story.
- Be active. The last thing you want to do after undergoing major abdominal surgery is to get up and move around, but trust me, do it as soon as your doctor advises you to. It was painful and horrible but I got up 24 hours later and started walking slowly around the ward. Every day since, I have been active being sure to do at least 30 mins of gentle walking (not all at once at first) every day, increasing in duration at a pace that suited me. The pain of my operation subsided within 10 days and I am happily moving around, carrying Dea and sometimes forget that I had an operation and need to remember to slow down. My advice is, take the painkillers the doctor gives you, get up and force yourself to be active whilst ensuring that you do not overdo it.
- Reusable diapers are great. So I bought reusable diapers for my girl, but she is still growing into them so I was forced to use disposables. Now she is getting bigger I am starting the transition and I must say, I am super happy with them. They take little additional effort, are not gross to use, are super cute, and they keep her dry and comfy. I cannot wait until she is 100% in them and I can ditch the disposables completely.
- You will learn to function on a new level of tiredness. I am lucky that Dea sleeps well and has a routine but it still means waking 2-3 times in the night. I am someone that needs a solid nine hours to function, so learning to work and function on minimal, interrupted sleep is quite a challenge. I have perfected the art of sleeping on cue (the moment she drifts off), napping whenever possible, feeding her at 3am with one eye open, and managing to string a sentence together when I am so tired I am almost hallucinating. This is life from now on, so getting to grips with it as early as possible is key.
- Be kind to yourself. Pregnancy, giving birth, adapting to motherhood, learning, making mistakes, hormones, labour/major surgery- all of these things are thrust upon you during this journey and we must not underestimate the toll they can have. You deserve to get someone to watch the baby whilst you go do your hair/take an extra long shower/nap/do your nails/have a coffee in peace, and you deserve to take things at your own pace. Don’t want visitors? That is fine. Want to cry for no reason? Also fine. Want to treat yourself to a new dress or a date night with your partner? Don’t let anyone guilt you otherwise. Take advantage of offers for help and remember that you are still you and that you need to take care of yourself as well.
- You wont recognise your body. Ok I knew this, but you don’t really know it until you see it. I was lucky that I dropped 13kg in the first month, but that doesn’t mean my body looks anything like it used to. I have hips where I had none before and my c-section pouch shows little sign of going. You should also be aware that you will look pregnant for a few weeks after, due to the fact that your uterus has to shrink back to its previous size. In terms of stretch marks, scars, and flappy bits of skin, I couldn’t care less- they are my battle scars and I earned them. My boobs and other wobbly bits will shrink over time as I become more active, but until then I am not stressing. If anything, I love and am more proud of my body now than I ever was before and there is nothing more liberating than embracing every extra inch of it, instead of being depressed and obsessive.
- There is nothing more powerful than a mother’s instinct. Before I gave birth, I spent many nights awake panicking that I would not know what to do or that I would mess it all up, but guess what? So far so good. Do not underestimate the power of your instinct when it comes to taking care of your baby, knowing what is right or wrong, and knowing what to do. Everyone will have an opinion or be ready to criticise, but only you know yourself and your child. I was amazed at how I just knew how to do so many things, and the things I didn’t know? I asked for help. You will also soon become fluent in “baby” which includes sounds and facial expressions and will guide you accordingly. Do not underestimate yourself, you’ve got this.
- Bodily fluids are no longer gross. I used to be super squeamish before, but when these fluids are coming out of your child, you couldn’t care less. I have been vomited on, urinated on, pooped on, and had the contents of a spot burst in my face and none of it phased me in the slightest- something I could have never said before, or could ever say for anyone else!
- Singing and reading to your baby is good for the soul. Since the day she was born, I have sung to my little girl; lullabies, nursery rhymes, Alice remixes of random songs- you name it. I have also read books to her each day and I love watching her grow and become more aware of it day by day. I also play her classical music for around an hour or so a day, and she loves it. This sort of interaction is great for a baby and helps them grow and develop- they are never too young for this.
- Watching your baby sleep (and checking they are breathing) will be your new favourite hobby.
- If you have pets, be aware they will be very confused for the first few weeks. My male cat Fernando was terrified of Dea for the first weeks but has now learned to accept her. Ophelia is accepting, and Harriet is totally in love. By the way, it is not dangerous to have cats around a baby- just be sure to supervise any interaction, as you would with any other person or animal!
- Being a mother is great. That is all.
