Things I learned in five years living in Albania

This is my fifth year in Albania. What started as a long weekend has now turned into me putting down roots and deciding to stay. I speak the language (with some mistakes), I have tried my best to integrate as much as possible, and I fully embrace the highs and lows that come with living here. Over the years, I have written a few articles on the topic of “only in Albania”, but now, I think it is time to talk about what I have learned over the last almost five years.

1. If you drink cappuccino, it is necessary to specify “me kafe” when ordering, else, you will get a cup of what can only be described as a total insult to coffee- bustine. Forget this at your peril, even in a place you go regularly.
2. If you try to pay for anything less than 5000 ALL with a 5000 ALL note, be prepared for either major stink eye, the cashier to refuse, or them to disappear to a neighbouring shop in search of change. Don’t even mention the new 10,000 ALL note.
3. The majority of people you meet, even in chain shops and the younger generation, will add a zero onto the cost of everything. For example, something that is 100 ALL (njeqind lek), they will refer to as 1000 ALL (njemije lek). This dates back over 30 years from when Uncle Enver tried to strengthen the value of the lek, but for some reason, people still use it. 
4. You will be asked for your ‘family certificate’ during almost every interaction with the state. As a Brit, we do not have this document or similar, which causes a massive headache when I want to do almost anything. Trying to explain that we do not have anything like this results in confused looks. I solved the problem by swearing an affidavit of my family status and presenting this when requested.
5. If you have more than two names, be prepared for confusion. As someone with five names, thank you, western European naming traditions, this causes quite a few problems in Albania! The look of utter confusion when I hand my passport or fill in a form is priceless, as is the hotch-potch ways I end up being named and getting referred to. 
6. There is a government platform called e-Albania, which is supposed to make our lives easier, reduce corruption, and phase out the use of counter services in official institutions. So far, all I have ascertained it does is to add in another step, mainly printing off a form before you go and queue up in an office somewhere for two hours only to be told the person you need to speak to is on holiday.
7. There is always a taxi driver whose meter is “broken”. He will also try and charge you 1000 lek from Rruga Durres to Rruga Elbasanit. Spoiler, his meter is not broken, he is just trying to rip you off. Demand a fiscal receipt, if he doesn’t, you don’t have to pay.
8. When dealing with banks, understand that ‘tomorrow’ means one random day in the middle distant future while ‘next week’  means your heirs will inherit the answer.
9. Giving your address to someone does not guarantee they will find it. You will need to give very specific instructions related to landmarks such as cafes and carwashes, ideally ones that closed ten years ago and have been replaced by a dry cleaners.
10. Roads get tarmacked right before the election and dug up again right after.
11. Carwashes are the best place to wash carpets.
12. Albanians love public holidays- for any reason, religion, or purpose. I think it is just an excuse to chill out and eat lots of nice food! Gezuar!
13. When moving to a new apartment, there is always a friendly old lady who lives in the same block who will try and befriend you. Beware, she is not as sweet and innocent as she looks, and anything you tell her will become the talk of the neighbourhood within hours.
14. The government does not grasp the concept of planning and just does what it wants when it wants. Therefore you can expect cars to be banned, schools to close, streetlights to be turned off at night, as and when they want and for whatever reason they deem.
15. The best oil, honey, milk, and raki come in plastic bottles.
16. Don’t get too attached to lovely, old architectural sites and be careful geotagging them on social media else the Bashkia will issue a permit for a towerblock to be built there.
17. Greetings are reeeeeeeaaalllly extended. “Hello, how are you, are you good, how you go, how is your family, how is your work, are you tired, are you good? Good.” 
18. Albanians believe wet hair, sweat, not wearing socks, having a window open, AC etc., will all make you sick. In fact, if you listen to them (mainly older women), you would think that the cold was the leading cause of death in the country. Absolutely nothing will convince them otherwise.
19. Putting towels or blankets over a baby’s pram is a thing, even in summer and even in bright sunshine. I have no idea why as both light and air are essential for a child!
20. There is a caj to cure any ailment; cough, cold, bad stomach, you name it!
21. Every neighbourhood has its own set of street dogs that several people in the community take care of. Just don’t tell Mayor Erion Veliaj where they sleep at night!
22. It is the best place to live if you love nature, beautiful countryside, nice food, and friendly people!
23. Albanian Twitter is a wild place.