There is an old saying that it takes a village to raise a child- but is this really true? Do women and their partners really need the input of extended family, friends, and strangers on the street to help them bring up their children or can they be trusted to go it alone?
Whilst many new parents welcome the input of family and other people, many don’t and women can often feel bombarded and confused by the vast amounts of advice they receive after giving birth. At a time when emotions and hormones are running high, this can lead to conflict, fear, and an increase in the risk of postnatal depression- a condition that is the leading cause of death in new mothers.
My 2 month old daughter and I were recently harassed in a supermarket by two women who grabbed her legs, hurt her, and tried to alter her sling despite my verbal, physical, and eventually forceful protests.
My subsequent rant on social media on this topic, and my general frustration at being criticised for how I feed her, take care of her, go out with her, respond to her, love her, and even the fact I refuse to shave her head at one year old, resulted in a big debate. One one side commentators said you should never accept this sort of behavior from anyone, and on the other side, some said that this is a cultural issue and that as I live in Albania, I should accept it.
I am not convinced however that this is a cultural issue and I believe that people criticise, belittle and interfere in the lives of women and their families all over the world. I also know, from being a woman that getting people to respect my boundaries, particularly physical ones can be a big challenge- let alone when you bring a baby into the equation. So, I decided to reach out to my extended network of mothers of all ages and backgrounds. From London to Amsterdam, Berat to Sheffield, Sydney to Stockholm, and everywhere in between, I asked a group of mothers, some of which are also in cross-cultural relationships, some of which are single mothers, to tell me their experiences.
Georgia, London (Danish/British)
I am at a point now where I avoid certain relatives and social situations where I know issues will arise. I have had problems with family members insisting on holding my daughter and refusing to give her back when she cries. One particular individual even mimicked her to show how annoying they thought she was when she is upset, which I felt was just shockingly rude.
We practice attachment parenting styles and have received a lot of horrendous pushback and judgement on our choices to the point where I hide it from others to avoid their comments. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding past six months, picking her up when she cries, babywearing, baby led weaning- then when she cries, it is implied that it is no wonder and I am an idiot for doing these things. Everything we do is backed by research and is centered around the idea that you respect your baby as you would an adult and do not ignore them or talk down to them.
My biggest fear at the moment is that I might continue to breast feed her after 1 year- I’ve already had so many friends make comments that this is “creepy” and “disgusting”. I’m pretty convinced this is because society thinks that women’s boobs belong to men, and that women are only allowed to give them to babies for the shortest time possible.
My husband has also received a lot of criticism, or being involved in her upbringing. He gets stared at wherever we go because he does most of the carrying, and also finds himself avoiding certain social situations as to escape the ongoing critical onslaught!
E, Albania (Albanian)
Strangers often stop me to touch or kiss my children and the majority will even continue to do so even when I say no. Some I have even had to physically push or take their hands off my babies, just to be told that I am trying to be ‘too European” and that I was big-headed but should remember I am Albanian.
I also get people I don’t know saying the children are too hot/cold, passing comments on breastfeeding etc I get continuous unwanted advice on what to feed them, potty training, bed times, and even why I do not hit them as punishment. Ever single rule I have about parenting, someone wants to tell me I should do it a different way or like they did with their children.
In terms of family members, I have been ignored and had my parenting rules completely dismissed and disrespected. Everything I did was considered as a mistake. Now I limit the time these family members spend with my children, avoid them, and do not let them spend any alone time together.
I paid a big price for all of this- It resulted in a year of postpartum depression where I became suicidal a number of times, not to mention a lot of money spent on counselling and psychotherapy. I received no empathy or understanding,
E, Netherlands (Estonian)
When we were in Malta, many people came to touch my child. In a kind of sweet but still annoying way. I guess it was their way to wish good and say “God bless” to him. My partner and
In Malta, a nun who came to check on our child after giving birth asked whether we are married. After hearing that we are not, she advised us that we should definitely get married and that
In Malta when it was time for our child to start child care the carers there tried to strongly guide us how we should behave when bringing him to them the first day. Basically, to drop him off and run away so that he wouldn’t notice that we are gone. They made us feel that since they work there they know it better. We completely refused to do what they advised as we though it’s important for him to get the concept of child care,to make sure that he is comfortable and that we are not just leaving him there but coming to pick him up as well.
My mother has always some advice to give. She is super sweet and I know she means well but sometimes it just doesn’t apply to us what she suggests. I respect her a lot and I hear her out, take the advice which makes sense to us and question the rest. Usually we have a discussion about whatever the topic is (what to post or not post in FB, eating and sleeping habits, vitamins, vaccinations, giving a name!) but the last word is still ours.
Vanesa, Albania (Kosovar)
I am from Kosovo but grew up in The Netherlands before coming to Albania in 2017. I have had many challenges- for example women telling me that both I and my baby should not leave the house for 40 days and 40 nights, for various different reasons including that jealousy from others would make my milk dry up.
Regardless,
I feel the problem is that people are over-caring. They are afraid the baby will get hurt or cold whereas I believe my son is much more self-reliant than other babies his age. The good thing about raising a child in Albania is that people love babies and will do anything to help- be it getting on and off the bus, taking the stairs with a pram, or giving them something free in a shop, just for being cute.
Bonnie, Canada (Canadian)
I have never understood why people think babies are communal property. I see it all the time here (Canada) from people touching a pregnant woman’s belly without permission to pawing at babies in prams, carriers, slings, whatever. I have often seen the mothers looking a bit shell shocked as you know they don’t like it but they don’t know how to tell someone to “f*** off”.
Vanessa, Malta (Maltese)
My experience as a very young mother, with a newborn in December involved people screaming at her face “OH how SWEEEET! You have a real live Baby Jesus!”. Everyone wanted to hold, and kiss her on her cheek. “Hey, it’s Christmas, and we have a live newborn!!!” Hey, the circus came, and they have clowns! Ugh- that is how I felt.
Even though they’re sniffling, coughing, and reeking of all things under the sun, they still expected to hold and kiss the baby. It took all I had to push them off, and growl at them, in Mama Bear style, only instead of apologising, they retorted “we’re not going to stain your baby, ta!”
You won’t stain my baby, idiot. You’re coughing in her face. STAY AWAY until your cold recovers fully. A cold can kill a newborn, I would say. They would say “we always kissed newborns, nothing ever happened” to which I said “Nanna bore 15 babies, only 8 reached adulthood, idiot. Stay away. Then in the summer when she was 6 months I would always try to put shoes on her but she kicked them off. There was always some demented moron complaining that the baby is going to feel cold as is without socks. It is 40c+ outside, she doesn’t need socks. Then in the winter “put a hat on her, its cold, no, not that, that’s too tight”. FFS shut up!
Then when it came to feeding her I was accused of being “cruel and evil” and “starving her”, whether I bottle fed or breastfed- you cannot win! My response was “can you mind your own fucking business? I haven’t slept in 3 months and the last thing I need is your blabber!”
Half the time I just felt like saying “Oh. Your son is actually in prison for armed robbery? Dear. You have no right to teach ME how to raise a child, as you obviously had no idea what you were doing yourself.”
It’s YOUR baby, YOUR rules. Nothing else matters. If I ever want advice I will ask for it, and i will ask a paediatrician, not the first idiot I see on the street.
O, Albania (British)
The most stressful part of motherhood for me has been the interference of other people. From 4 hours after giving birth a family member repeatedly tried to take my daughter out of my arms because I would “spoil her” and she wanted to hold her. I was forced to entertain unwanted guests that I did not even know in the hospital, 24 hours after my emergency c-section. I was on a lot of painkillers, in pain, overwhelmed, exhausted and I had asked to be left alone- I was then criticised for not being a good enough host. When we returned home, I was expected to drop everything like work, sleep, my life to entertain and parade my daughter around- if I have work or previous engagements I am considered cold, ungrateful and told I am in Albania now so should act that way.
In the street people touch and kiss my daughter without my permission- I even had to physically push someone off me who was trying to interfere with her. I have had stupid comments like “can she breathe” or “is she too hot” when she is in her sling and I have had total strangers lecture me in public on not breastfeeding. I had horrible criticisms from a family member on the fact I didn’t breastfeed (medical reasons) and I spent days struggling, crying, and feeling like a failure before I realised I would be better off ignoring them.
Now I have decided to stop giving a damn and to tell people to mind their own business. I am confident in my skills and instinct as a mother and how we bring up our child is the concern of me and her father, only.
Ulrike, Albania (German)
People touch my baby without my permission all the time in Tirana and it drives me NUTS. It has happened many times where random people completely ignore me and talk to my baby and then touch and kiss their hands, feet, or face.
I have the urge to react strongly because my child is a person- not a doll or an object you can touch just because you want to. I want him to be certain of his body autonomy and to have say over his body- if he doesn’t want to be touched/kissed/hugged by family, he won’t have to. How can I teach my child this if any random stranger just pinches his cheek because he is cute?
Where I’m from (Germany), this is absolutely not common, and though people might address your child, talk and smile with them, it would be an absolute exception were someone to just touch them. I’m not saying that people here do it with ill intentions. Albanians love and welcome kids everywhere, and that is great and something I really appreciate about the culture. But when that goes so far that they infringe on my child’s personality right, it makes me feel helpless, angry and frustrated.
In terms of unsolicited advice, I have done plenty of research to know why I do what with my child. Our immediate family on both sides is very much on board with how we do things, plus they see the happy, easy-going, confident, super sweet and caring “result” of our parenting. The odd comment of “you should do this or that” by my father in law gets him a friendly reminder that he had his own kids to do things his way, now it’s our turn.
Bardha, America, (Kosovar)
I have a child, who was born in America and his father is American and his first time in Kosovo was when he was 1 8months and I would be scolded on why I am not making my son go and kiss and hug my grandmother. He simply didn’t like her for one reason or another and I refused to make him do it. He had no problem hugging and kissing others but he just wouldn’t do it for her and I didn’t make him.
There are different ways of respecting others without breaking your boundaries. My take on this is let me be my own self and raise my child the way I see it fit and you do yours and be a mother to your own children. Don’t apologize for wanting to be who you are because of traditions and such. Traditions evolve, thus they change and if it means alienating or offending a few people, for yours and your child’s safety than so be it.
Katie, America (American)
My oldest grandson has never kissed me and I have never kissed him- I refuse to violate his boundaries. He snuggles with me, freely gives and recieves hugs but my love for him is not contingent on how many kisses he gives me. I love him for who he is. Respect people’s boundaries.
Steph, Bristol (British)
I haven’t really experienced anything like it as I don’t really care what other people say. People often worry too much but honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing and you just have to wait until the kid is older to see how much you have fucked them up or not.
I don’t feel like I got criticism about anything, definitely not from my family. I feel we are more likely to put pressure on ourselves and this can lead us to feel we are being criticised. If someone has something not nice to say, I just don’t listen to it. As the kid gets older, you just start to ignore it- every child and parent is different. I think it’s normal for parents to disagree as well- that is just part of parenting.
The only sort of pressure I felt was around going back to work- when to go back, how much time to have off, was I doing my son a disservice, what is the done thing- I felt very conflicted, especially as I saw the change in him and him become more clingy. But some of this pressure came from myself, not just external sources.
Susan, Germany (German)
I lived in Freiberg, Germany when my daughter Julia was a baby. There are cobblestones everywhere and she loved them as they sent her straight to sleep when going over them in a pram. One day, a woman stopped me and tried to take her out of the pram saying she would get brain damage. It ended up in a shouting match with other people joining in. I won in the end but the shouting woke her up, oh and she is an adult now and doesn’t have brain damage.
Charlene, Malta (British)
After giving birth and seeing what my body created, I naturally like any mother became very protective of my son. I remember the first time a stranger went to touch my son, I backed away pulling the car seat back and told her to not touch my son at all (she was going to touch his face!) with her unhygienic hands. The woman did know what hit her and was left speechless. Anyone who even held my son (family or friends) were made to wash their hands, rub alcohol and any smokers to wear a towel against them before handling my baby boy.
I have had a lot of unwelcome advice and criticism towards my style of parenting and how I should do things. My style of parenting is to NEVER force a child to do something. I remember being told to potty train at 3 despite me knowing he was not ready. Sure
I also remember using the baby carrier for the first time, my son was 2 weeks old. I was at Lidl and a Maltese woman came running up to me asking if he is breathing. My reply? No, he is dead, what do you think? It made me so angry that other people think new mothers do not know what they are doing! Same goes for breastfeeding, the pressure in Malta is REAL. You are told that you MUST breastfeed. I found it hard and painful but I was pushed into it, and of course, I wanted to do it, but the pressure was horrible and at one point, my son was crying so much I made them take him to be given a bottle.
My family know the type of person I am and have never forced me to bring my son up in their ways.
Camilla, Sweden (Swedish)
Once, I was sitting and feeding my baby when a woman came up to me and started touching my babies legs. I felt uncomfortable even though the lady probably did not do it with bad intentions. It made me feel like she had broken my personal space between myself and my baby, and others. I also didn’t see it coming so I didn’t have time to tell her to stop. After this incident I was a lot more attentive when people approached us in crowds.
One woman approached me in public when my son was sleeping in his buggy in a diaper because it was very hot. I was only 19 at the time and she saisd “kids shouldn’t have kids” and told me that I should dress my baby immediately. I replied that I am his mother and I knew very well what I was doing.
As a single mother, I had to choose my battles wisely. I have been criticised for not enforcing bedtimes and for letting them share the bed with me if they wish to. Many people think that it “shouldn’t be this way”. My family have been amazing and supportive and my mother who is a midwife told me she would take a step back and only give advice if I asked for it.
Sara, Travelling Family (Australian)
We have lived in many places around the world with the twins who are 5 and we frequently had people lean
This ended up with them contracting chickenpox at 5 months of age. Mild dose…but still was horrible. We really felt powerless and so very upset when folks did this.
As for criticism, it happens ALL the time. Being older we are treated like we are either totally inept or that we are somehow too lax in our method of parenting or discipline. This is from strangers and even family.
Basically in every country there have been people giving us their unwanted garbage. However never any real help if we ask for it. Now we literally do not give a poop. We just tell people upfront to stop, back off and mind their business. Being polite doesn’t factor in any more.
(More stories to be added)
You can read about attachment parenting here
You can read about babywearing here
You can read about why you should not kiss a baby here
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