Having been an expat for most of my adult life, I have become quite acquainted with the nuances of the community. From the drunken pensioners to the people running away from something, the life-long gap year students and the international English teachers- I have come across every type, and probably been one or two of them myself. But there is one type of expat that is especially dangerous- the narcissist. Of course, narcissists are dangerous in every context, but due to the nature of expat communities, they seem to flourish more in this setting.

I have come across the in every place I have lived, but it was only recently that I allowed myself to be stupid enough to get burned. So, to help others identify a narcissist in their midst, here are the red flags and patterns of behaviour that I noticed, and that I should have been more cautious of.

First up, in case you didn’t know, typical personality traits that are attributed to a narcissist include a preoccupation with unlimited success, exploitation of others, lack of empathy, overt criticism of others, arrogance, jealousy and the use of manipulation to control others. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? The problem is with these types of people is that they are so subtle in their manoeuvres that many don’t realise they have been screwed over until after it has happened.

The expat narc

These individuals thrive in an expat community. There is a constant stream of new victims and once the narc has chewed up and spat out one set of victims, there is a new batch already on the way. They are also easy targets because they are in a new place, they don’t know many people and they appreciate the help, guidance, and support that the narc is oh so willing to offer. They immediately become sucked in and reliant on the narc for their job, social life, housing, or even business interests.

The narc will constantly criticise

It might start off as ‘friendly advice’ about what to do, where to go, what to say, etc (particularly if you are a new expat) but this will soon develop into more personal criticism. The narc will not approve of your new partner, they will laugh at your attempts to learn the language, and they will rip apart any kind of professional life you try to make for yourself through snide comments and “critical advice”.

They will lie

Narcs will rarely tell the truth because part of their condition is to create a reality that they control one that differs greatly from the real world. They could lie about being from a posh part of their home country, or the reasons for a break up, the extent of their job, or little things like how much money they earn, or whether they a friends with someone or not- these lies are all a part of an intricate web of deceit that is designed to confuse the victims.

 They don’t care about your problems

Do you ever sit with a friend, listen to them talk about all of the drama in their life, all of the bad things that have happened to the, how hard done by they are, and then they get up and leave, and you feel like the life has been sucked out of you? This is typical narc behaviour and they like to hold court by telling wild stories and entertaining the crowd, without asking even once how anyone else is doing. They have zero interest in any one elses lives, unless they can use that information to manipulate for their own gain.

They have a problem with drink and/or drugs

The narcissist will usually have a difficult relationship with drink, and or drugs and there are several reasons for this. Firstly, social situations that involve alcohol are great places for the narc to find new victims. People talk more freely, are more friendly and open themselves up more, meaning the narcissist has less work to do to gain trust. Furthermore, the narc can use their established social circumstances to hold power over the victim, making them feel like they have to remain friends if they want to enjoy a social life. The narc also drinks and takes drugs to escape reality- they will become loud, violent, aggressive and their narcissistic tendencies will increase drastically- they are also unlikely to remember most of it afterwards. This desire is driven by their constant need to escape reality, therefore drink and drugs provide the perfect catalyst.

There is always a crisis

The more time you spend with a narc, the more you will begin to realise the fact that drama and crisis’s seem to follow them around. The narc manufactures these incidents to the point that they sometimes even believe they are the victim, in an effort to attract more sympathy and attention from those that surround them. By giving off an aura of helplessness, need and pity, they attract the attention they so desperately believe they deserve and the cycle of detachment from reality continues. It could be a lost wallet, a “mean” landlord, or a relationship where the other person was the sole person at fault- but this crisis will mean that everyone around the narc has to worry, offer sympathy and step in to help.

They are always the victim

Again to attract sympathy and to emotionally manipulate those that surround them, the narc will always be the victim. You will never hear them admitting fault for anything, instead they will regale you constantly with stories of how they were hard done by. This could be in reference to friends, ex-partners, the fabrication of abuse claims, problems at work, or conjured up altercations with strangers- the motivation is the same, to gain sympathy and to throw people off the scent that the individual is a master manipulator. Victims will often find themselves bending over backwards to help- providing accommodation, or money, giving them your therapists number- but the help is always taken advantage of and never utilised correctly or with appreciation.

They will gaslight you

One of the narcs most dangerous tools is that of gaslighting-  telling you things didn’t happen when they did, saying you didn’t say something when you did, and basically making you doubt your own sanity with the end goal of destroying an individual’s self worth. A horrific form of manipulation and abuse, a typical example would be that when the narc is confronted about something, they would deny it ever happening, or if you call them out on an incident, they will tell you that it never happened. Most narcs are so psychologically unbalanced however, that they do not realise that the victims grasp on reality is much stronger than theirs, and it is at this point that the narcs power begins to unravel.

They are jealous

A narc will never be happy for the accomplishments of their victim. Whenever you mention a success, the narc will put on a fake smile or even just go sour immediately. They will then try to one-up you immediately or at a later date, they will criticise or put down the accomplishment, and extreme narcs will even go out of their way to copy, steal ideas, or even sabotage the victim’s success, just to make themselves feel better.

They will lash out

When the narc thinks that you might be close to finding them out, or you display behaviour that signals you do not find their actions acceptable, this is when the narc will lash out. It could be violent, it could be confrontational, they could seek to sabotage your career or reputation, or they could do a combination of all four. Once they have lashed out they will then convince themselves that they are the one who has been wronged and move onto the next group of victims where the pattern will start all over again.

Keep your eyes and ears open people.