I am a feminist and I make no secret of it. I stand up for women who have been abused, discriminated against, or otherwise treated badly due to their gender. This does not mean however that I tolerate or will turn a blind eye to when women use their femininity in an abusive way.
My father was a waste of space and my mother did her best throughout my childhood and adulthood to protect me from his poisonous and destructive demeanour. The problem is that it is not always that man that is in the wrong when it comes to domestic issues, and we need to start recognising that being a good parent is not just abut giving birth, it is about your intentions for that child’s wellbeing.
No I do not have children, but I know enough about growing up in an abusive environment to be able to talk about the damaging effects of abuse and the various forms that it can take.
Here in Albania and in many other countries, when it comes to custody cases, most courts will find in favour of the mother, regardless of whether she is a fit parent or not. Many will overlook economic issues, psychological issues, emotional issues, personality issues, and forms of emotional abuse due to the fact that they think it is the woman’s sole job to raise children.
Unfortunately, there are a growing number of children being born into situations where they are being used as a bargaining tool and a weapon in cases of divorce and separation. Otherwise known as parental alienation, it is actually classified as a form of abuse.
Parental Alienation Syndrome occurs when one narcissistic party manipulates and effectively brainwashes a child in the hope that they will reject the other parent. The aim, of this is; 1) to adulate the narcissistic person’s anxiety and 2) to get their way in various situations usually relating to money and/or custody.
This parent will attempt to pit the child against the “abusive” parent as well as withholding access or visitation. The child is used as an object to sooth the narcissistic parent’s anxieties as well as their feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. This is a narrative of abuse and emotional violence, both to the child and the other parent, and we are seeing more and more instances of it every day.
In the case of a mother- the child is often placed with her as the main carer and as such develops a much stronger bond with her. As more time is spent with her, more trust is earned and the child (especially ones of a young age) implicitly trust the mother above and beyond everyone else. This makes it much easier for a mother that has narcissistic tendencies to plant false ideas into the child’s brain, and it makes them much easier to brainwash, control, and manipulate.
A child has no place being used as a weapon in a post-marital war, and the only real victim’s of this will be them. They will grow up to resent both parents, particularly the narcissist, but by then it will be too late to undo the damage. These narcissistic people attempt to buffer the pain of a failed relationship by trying to destroy their ex’s relationship with their children. Furthermore, they cannot tolerate not being in control and they irrationally fear that the child might love the other parent more, leading them to start on a campaign of vitriol to poison the child’s mind in favour of them.
Here are some signs of a narcissistic and manipulative parent;
• Telling the child that the other parent is evil/bad/not good when this is not the case. They reiterate the message that it is not ok to spend time with the other parent and they may even make the child feel guilty as well as exhibiting jealously when the child returns from the other parents.
• Interfering with visitation is a major sign of a narcissistic parent. Actions such as stopping visitation, moving the goal posts, cutting off communication or monitoring communication is a huge warning sign and should be deal with by the courts immediately.
• Making up false information and feeding it to the child, family members, and even the ex’s new partner is a big indicator of unstable and manipulative behaviour.
• Lack of discipline and a failure to instil boundaries is a sure fire sign of narcissism. By allowing the child to stay up late, eat whatever food they want, and get their own way, the narcissist becomes the “good parent” in comparison with the “bad parent” who insists on discipline.
• Often in these cases, there are signs of other forms of abuse such as shouting and screaming at the child and smacking.
Of course there are ‘deadbeat dads’ out there, but for every father who lacks, there is one who is unnecessarily restricted from seeing his child and who has to deal with emotional and psychological manipulation on a daily basis. This is not ok. Children who suffer this sort of abuse usually end up with long-term psychological issues such as anger issues, depression, and emotional repression. More often than not, the child will go on to repeat similar patterns of behaviour such as not being able to resolve conflict, creating drama, manipulation, and other ingrained patterns of abuse.
We need to move away from traditional gender roles and stereotypes and instead look at what is best for the child. Abusive behaviour, blackmail, manipulation, psychological and emotional abuse all need to be taken into consideration when decisions are made regarding custody. It is not always better to put the parent with the mother, just because she is a woman; there are often cases where the child would fare much better in an environment where they are allowed to grow and develop to their full potential, rather than be used as a pawn in someone else’s messed up game.
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